Sunday, November 30, 2008

Getting Harder to Breathe

Have you ever been in love?
You could touch the moonlight.
When your hearts shooting starts.
Holding Heaven in your arms.
Have you ever been in love?

Its hard to think straight sometimes. Its hard to breathe. I'm so suffocated by this feeling of belonging that I tremble waiting for him. I count down the minutes until he comes home to me. I wait patiently. I slept as long as I could tonight. From 8 until about 12. I woke myself up with the knowledge that he wasn't there with his arm drapped over my hip and his body heat warming me. I could not sleep another moment. I woke up took another shower, long and hot to soothe my aching heart and then settled down to wait for him. Its almost 2 now. It won't be much longer. Soon he'll come home and I'll have my mouth pressed to his. Perhaps we'll get frisky before we go to bed ... but it doesn't matter if he fucks me or if he makes love to me. As long as I can feel his heart beating against me ... I don't care.

He's my addiction. I know that he isn't perfect but it doesn't matter. Even his flaws are beautiful. I want to spend the rest of forever with him. I want to grow old with him. I want to birth him children. I want to marry him. I look at this rock on my finger and feel suddenly warm. I notie the small marks on my neck and wish for more. I am his and I am marked as his. I am content at last.

Have you ever said a prayer
and found it had been answered?

Monday, November 17, 2008

To much thinking

I sit here in the quiet of a near empty house, the kittens tugging at my shirt in need of attention, Gabriel fast asleep. I sit in the quiet of this place and I think to myself all the things I don't allow myself to think during the day. Now, you ask, what is it you are thinking now? This moment is precarious - tempered by my own needs. And I think, you know ... he satisfies the body most willingly, readily, but there still isn't ... enough. I'm afraid I'll consume him with my needs if I'm not careful. He's gotten stronger, more aggressive. He presses against me without hesitation now and his teeth find the tender flesh of my neck eagerly. I think he's come to realize that, that little bit of pain is what I want. Lucky me my work shirt covers my neck or I'd be branded a slut. He's covered me in marks, faint and dark, big and small. I am his.

I am reading a novel he bought me - it was sweet of him, and even though he'll say he only picked it because of the wolf it was a good choice. Its a great book and I'm enjoying it - but at the same time it is brining to light thoughts I've long hidden. It often happens when I consider my own animalistic tendincies, I start to long for more.

I want a house with a big back yard - a place where I can lay in the grass skyclad in the moonlight and not fear. I want a lover that will ravage me when I need it and take the pain of my bite with pride not fear. I want children - soon but not too soon - because my womb feels empty and I long to give him a son. Right now ... I want him to come home so I can breathe him in and curl into his arms and lay there - comforted by the knowledge that he is there and he is mine. I paused today when describing him to Leah - it was suprising. I before had merely called him my fiancee, my bethrothed - and I realized now the difference in what he is and what I've called him.

He is not my promised. He is my reality. My mate.

But is that what he really wants. Does he realize what he's gotten himself into? I wonder. I worry.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Another One

Great. Just what I need. Another one. James is laying there on the couch watching porn on his cellphone, practically ignoring me and when I take the mother fucking cellphone away he made whimpers. Another one. Daniel did the same thing. He would ignore Gabriel to watch porn when I left them alone. James isn't the SAME but for the love of god why do I have to pck em like i do. Aren't I enough?! What the fuck is the use of pron? I'm more fun. If he needs some can't he just come to me...do I have to be ignored over a chellphone with some fucking whore getting it? god damn it all to hell. I'm angry and he'stoucing me. I can't type straight becasue i have the screen shoved down so he cna't see what I'm writing so if ou can't read this I'm sorry. I don't knwo for sure if I'm even typing right. I'm about to cry. I'm so frustraed. And he's touching me....leaning against myback so i can feel his heartbeat....and i don't wnt tobe angry anymore. I don't want to be..but I am. I'm pissed.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Loki


We found a cat today. A beautiful blue Russian mix with white chest, line along tummy, mittens, and socks. He's got the brightest eyes and he's very friendly. He's bitten Paden twice but I think its just Paden. He hasn't shown any other signs of aggression even as the little girl at Atlanta bread company picked his ass up by his tail. I hope we get to keep him.


UPDATE :: CAN'T keep him. He's bitten everyone at least once but me. He gets overly excited when he plays and bites down. He's a darling but wtih a baby in the house - we just can't.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Can I Live?



Once upon a time I sat in my room and rocked back and forth. Sick in the heart thinking about what I was going to do with myself. Give birth to a child? Me? At 17? Keep him. Give him up to some family that could pamper him like I couldn't? This song ripped my heart into a thousand peices - it shook me up so hard I couldn't breathe. And I knew. I couldn't destroy the only thing that had ever been good and innocent in my life.

He smiles up at me when I call his name and I smile at my big headed bald baby (we shaved him lol) and I'm so in love I cry.

I understand sometimes a woman has to do what she has to do. You can't expect a woman that is brutally raped to carry a child in her for 9 months without hating herself and that innocent life. It happens, sure, but it doesn't mean its fair. I just guess ... I needed to say it. Out loud, on paper, pixel-ized. I'm glad I chose life.

Weight Loss

Once upon a time I was a size 20-22 with a defined waist and full wide hips. I called myself fat and cried, covered myself up with heavy clothes and never let a soul see me naked. Now, after some seriously miscalculations on my part and a little bit of depo-provera I'm now a size 26-28 and I look back with shock and awe that I could ever say I was ugly. Even now I'm pretty damn cute. I've got a sweet face, full breasts, and long legs. HOWEVER. This is not the size I want to be. I've thought and thought and thought about it. I've laid there as James was running his fingers along my sides and tummy absent-mindedly, lovingly, and realized. Yes. He loves me as I am and Yes I love me as I am. I am a beautiful, strong woman. BUT! I don't want to die of a heart attack before I'm 30 and I don't like being out of breathe all the time. I want to be healthier and I do want my defined waist back lol.

So?

My goal? 50 lbs by my 20th b-day. A little over a year.

That and I'm going to start taking better care of my skin and hair. I already take pretty good care of myself but now that James allows me to buy nicer conditioner and facial cleanser I want to go back to my soft white skin as well.

I love me as I am, but I still want to be the best me I can be.

I'm joining SparkPeople.

I'm going to start walking more.

I'm going to be the best me I can be.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Want...I Want to Give

I Want A Tarot Deck

I Want A Black Dress and something to go underneath it.

I want to give Gabriel a tricycle and a bed of his own.

I want to give James ..... hehehehe you don't need to know that!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Uhm..Hmmmmm

Wow. I did not even know people realized I had a blog >< style="font-style: italic;">
  • Link to the person or persons who tagged you.
  • Post the rules on your blog.
  • Write six random things about yourself.
  • Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
  • Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
  • Let the tagger know when your entry is up.
  • Here are the 6 random things about me:

    1. I 'm afraid of bunnies. Mostly the easter variety - you know..pink eyes, white fur, razor sharp fangs lol

    2. I listen to country music when I think no one is looking.

    3. I get frustrated over the strangest things yet have this amazing patience with the mundane or uncomfortable.

    4. I sniff rosemary so much people think i'm addicted but I just get reeeeeeeally bad headaches.

    5. ....>>...<<...>> I'm addicted to the way James' smells

    6. I sing in the shower


    I tagged

    Beverly

    and

    Ule


    I broke the rules lol. I didn't tagg 6 - but i really don't know enough blogs and the few I do are not very interesting at all >< ANd i can't go tag the one who tagged me

    Moonkissed Sunshine ;; They Dance.

    Silent, on the edges of existence, eyes the color of ocean water gaze - out onto the empty plains of a still world. The quick tip of tongue moistening cherry red lips, parted against the chill of a sweet winter's wind is the only movement, besides the slight quiver of tensed muscles and the rise and fall of her chest. She waits, with eyes heavy lidded and lashes beating coyly against the seductive pull of the fresh faced moon. Her skin is bright and white, her hair the color of darkened copper. She is delightful and terrible to behold, half cloaked in the shadow of her own rage. She trembles. A deep breathe pulled through the nostrils brings oxygen to her pounding heart. Its rhythm excites her, churning that place between her thighs and enticing her blood to rush through long limbs. She moves. At last, under the cold glow of a winter moon she moves. A step. A stomp. A twirl.

    Across the barren fields she moves. Feet barely brushing the earth, wild flowers bloom in her wake and the wolf sings for her glory. Up and down the scale of notes with her heartbeat as its base. The world erupts in noise. No longer does the moon hang over a silent, still world. No longer. Skyclad and beautiful she twists and turns, her voice ringing our in throaty gasps and screams, song that echoes as she moves. She dances. Under the cold moon.

    Her breathe twists in wisps of steam away from her mouth, parted in joyful laughter. It echoes across the world until, skidding she comes to a halt before the gilded mirror of self-hate. Before it she stands, rigid, still. Her heart aches in her chest and she bites down upon the fullness of her lower lip. Her eyes narrowed at the images thrown before her. It wheedles away at her self-worth. Dragging their nails through her heart, those that would, laugh at her, calling out in cold angry voices. Spite. Envy. They whisper until tears form at the corners of her eyes and tumble like rain on a barren field. Still she stands, fighting a silent battle with her invisible and tangible enemies alike. Her voices rises and falls in a wild scream and she lunges against the mirror. It does not shatter. It does not shake.

    At last, when her aching muscles can take no more of the relentless battering, the world goes still again. The bend of her knees gives way to air and she collapses onto the cold earth. The mirror is no more but its damage lingers as it moves on to another place and time, ready to haunt another soul. They congregate around her for a moment and then, drift away – pleased with the broken soul they've left behind. Again the world is barren and frost tickles the hardened peeks of her breast, melting against the curves of her figure. She lays panting, her breathe growing shallow and slow, faint, as the moonlight that lit her once bright world grows dim in her eyes. Ocean-water eyes, the color of storm clouds across a rough sea, close in acceptance of a slow end of life.

    How quickly the strong can fall when the weak find a dent in their armor. How easily an army of 4 or 5 can take down one. Not fully do they all realize the pain they inflict. Those that do live with sick, twisted hearts in their chests. But, there is hope. Always hope. Where life is there is death, and death again is life.

    From the somewhere beyond the darkness a hand reaches for her heart, taking the pulsing beating mess of scars and anger and strokes it. A single touch. Warm, painfully so, and she raises her head her eyes unfocused and hazy. Half blind in their pain. From somewhere there beyond her hazy line of vision he stands, smiling a soft smile that is all at once meek and brave, strong and gentle. Eyes the color of honey sweet from the hive, unpolluted wet earth, and the freshness of spring. The smell of musk and clean masculinity reaches her in a wave. Overtaking her senses she tilts her head back and breathes deep, filling her failing lungs with the smell of him. Raising to her feet she trembles, reaching out for him with uncertain hands. Sweetly, he catches her in his arms and she of silver white flesh presses herself into he of gold and bronze. And they stand. One dark as night yet white as the moon's heaviest glow, the other brighter then the midday sun and sweeter then then honey-kissed sunshine.

    They stand and the world is no longer quiet. Wildflowers bloom at their feet, the grass sways in the gentlest breeze. The wolf sings out and is joined by a partner as the birds flutter here and their, playing tag and chasing each other. A smile, and they move. They dance. And the cycle is broken. The scars heal. Mother earth weeps with joy and farther sky sings with pride. They dance.

    Closer, Closer, Too Close.

    How close can someone stand to you? What does it feel like when someone is too close?

    Closer, Closer, Too Close.

    It depends entirely on the emotional state of the situation. If they are getting in my face out of anger then they are over stepping their bounds and will quickly and confidently put back in their place. HOWEVER. If someone brushes against me/invades my personal space in a quiet, friendly way then most often I accept their affections in a tolerable if not receptive way. I enjoy human contact.

    Sunday, November 2, 2008

    Second Daily Post // No Prompt

    I sit, in the confines of white walls, and think of color. Of reds brighter then the sweetest rose. Of greens, fresher then even the newest grass. I see on these white walls the mural of my love for him. With sweeping waves of my hand I paint it in my heart. This thoughtful, quiet, loving man who for whatever reason has chosen me. Inspires such a deep change within myself. Where I once was full of color and had losts it I am again. Where once my voice rang and grew silent, it sings again. I am all at once alive. He sets me aflame in such a way that I am burning even now for him.

    There is more to love then sex but there is something so unnaturally satisfying about listening to him breathe heavy against my chest. His muscles aching to press closer, his heart pounding. Its a reminder yet again that I am alive. That he's brought me back from that dark place and given me....color.

    He showed me the ring. It has to be sized. Its a frustration. I want to show off what he's given me. Its lovely and delicate - something I would never have picked myself. Something I would never have allowed myself to want. Now its mine, albeit a bit to small, but mine - something I can wear proudly. I am his.

    I don't know what pushed me to write this. Another one of those "GASP! He loves me!" moments i guess. Mostly I just needed to put it down somewhere. I am in love in such a horrible, deep, everlasting way - and I'm frightened.

    Not of what could be or will be but of what won't. I've been so used to misery that its like leaving an old friend behind. I do so willingly but its still awkward. Waking up in his arms, and feeling his slow breathing there beside me... I know now that he loves me just as I am and that I don't have to worry about getting old and unattractive. He'll still be right there beside me. I've found the one. That fairytale perfection everyone looks for and few find. It found me.

    Huzzah! lol

    Invisi-girl! AWAY!

    Imagine that you could be invisible in any scene you wanted what would it be?

    Invisi-girl! AWAY!

    Imagine being able to sneak up on your worst enemy, steal their secrets right from their mouth. That would be interesting. Then again. If I could go invisible whenever I was embaressed would be nice to. Mostly, I'd want to sit in a crowded place and watch the people uninhibited, draw, and read, and just watch without them seeing me and watching back. To be able to study the human psyche in such a pristine condition would be scintillating. Maybe then I'd learn how to be normal. :D

    Saturday, November 1, 2008

    Childhood Nightmares

    What was it like to be a child?

    Childhood Nightmares

    My childhood was a strange one. Riddled with lies, too much drinking (on my part), drugs (on my families part), and a healthy dose of growing up to fast. Its a complicated long story that the internet needs never see. So. What was it like to be a child? Rainbows! Sunshine! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!