Rational Thinking vs. A Heart's Desire
Somewhere deep inside of me there is that little voice that consoles me and drags me deeper into nightmares with the same haughty laugh. Today I sit quietly and listen to the voice of the earth, breathing deep the smell of damp ground and winter's coming; the feel of the warm breeze on the back of me neck sends shivers down my spine. That voice is silent. What have I done to kill that little voice that so readily gives me the answer I come searching for?
Rational thinking says clearly, time and place is as important as love. A child is deserving of all that is good and none of the filth of this place and the unsuitability of living with the father of his father and the mother of his father. Rational thinking says loudly, boldly, almost angrily that desire is foolish, childish, perhaps even selfish. Rational thought says patiently we will wait and give to the babe what it deserves. College first, a home first, nothing of this instability. Damn the winner. Rational thinking comes out on top. And still ...
My mother asks me "Aren't you happy!?" as if that is a reasonable emotion to feel when one's heart cries out inside of you. I was afraid and sick inside with wondering how we would handle a baby, James and I, but once the initial fear resided I was excited. I thought of how sweet and precious another child would be and now I feel like something has been stolen from underneath me. I feel like the rub was pulled out from under my feet and I've been sent tumbling away into the darkness. I know it seems foolish but there is no other way to explain it.
Rational thinking has won this round, but someday when the tide has turned I will have this blasted Mirena removed and I will bare James sons and daughters - beautiful children. Now is not the time - not when we are struggling to keep our lungs clear of water - not now. All I have to do now is wait ... One day. One day, soon enough.
Rational thinking says clearly, time and place is as important as love. A child is deserving of all that is good and none of the filth of this place and the unsuitability of living with the father of his father and the mother of his father. Rational thinking says loudly, boldly, almost angrily that desire is foolish, childish, perhaps even selfish. Rational thought says patiently we will wait and give to the babe what it deserves. College first, a home first, nothing of this instability. Damn the winner. Rational thinking comes out on top. And still ...
My mother asks me "Aren't you happy!?" as if that is a reasonable emotion to feel when one's heart cries out inside of you. I was afraid and sick inside with wondering how we would handle a baby, James and I, but once the initial fear resided I was excited. I thought of how sweet and precious another child would be and now I feel like something has been stolen from underneath me. I feel like the rub was pulled out from under my feet and I've been sent tumbling away into the darkness. I know it seems foolish but there is no other way to explain it.
Rational thinking has won this round, but someday when the tide has turned I will have this blasted Mirena removed and I will bare James sons and daughters - beautiful children. Now is not the time - not when we are struggling to keep our lungs clear of water - not now. All I have to do now is wait ... One day. One day, soon enough.
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