Forgive & Forget

Never. enough said.

Rational Thinking vs. A Heart's Desire

Rational Thinking vs. A Heart's Desire

Somewhere deep inside of me there is that little voice that consoles me and drags me deeper into nightmares with the same haughty laugh. Today I sit quietly and listen to the voice of the earth, breathing deep the smell of damp ground and winter's coming; the feel of the warm breeze on the back of me neck sends shivers down my spine. That voice is silent. What have I done to kill that little voice that so readily gives me the answer I come searching for?

Rational thinking says clearly, time and place is as important as love. A child is deserving of all that is good and none of the filth of this place and the unsuitability of living with the father of his father and the mother of his father. Rational thinking says loudly, boldly, almost angrily that desire is foolish, childish, perhaps even selfish. Rational thought says patiently we will wait and give to the babe what it deserves. College first, a home first, nothing of this instability. Damn the winner. Rational thinking comes out on top. And still ...

My mother asks me "Aren't you happy!?" as if that is a reasonable emotion to feel when one's heart cries out inside of you. I was afraid and sick inside with wondering how we would handle a baby, James and I, but once the initial fear resided I was excited. I thought of how sweet and precious another child would be and now I feel like something has been stolen from underneath me. I feel like the rub was pulled out from under my feet and I've been sent tumbling away into the darkness. I know it seems foolish but there is no other way to explain it.

Rational thinking has won this round, but someday when the tide has turned I will have this blasted Mirena removed and I will bare James sons and daughters - beautiful children. Now is not the time - not when we are struggling to keep our lungs clear of water - not now. All I have to do now is wait ... One day. One day, soon enough.

Author Unknown

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Then unexpectedly, a sinister thought entered his mind. Why should the other man alone experience all the pleasures of seeing everything while he himself never got to see anything? It didn't seem fair. At first thought the man felt ashamed. But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights, his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour. He began to brood and he found himself unable to sleep. He should be by that window -- that thought, and only that thought now controlled his life.

Late one night as he lay staring at the ceiling, the man by the window began to cough. He was choking on the fluid in his lungs. The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help. Listening from across the room he never moved, never pushed his own button which would have brought the nurse running in. In less than five minutes the coughing and choking stopped, along with that the sound of breathing.

Now there was only silence-deathly silence. The following morning the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths. When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window, she was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take it away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it all himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate since he had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

My Financial Aid

My financial aid came through for school. I was told that I'd run out of time but somehow , 4 hours before the deadline, my aid came through! I'm so happy I could just about explode and rainbows and sunshine would come out my ass.

I start college the 12 of January! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bittersweet Anger. Where have you been, my friend?

Break another piece off of fairytale daydreams and run me through with it. I know he's not perfect but he's never infuriated me as he did just now. It all started when I woke him up this morning to watch Gabe so I could go check out a local school - he was tired and didn't really want to which was relativly understandable but he got up all grouchy and annoying and I was already in a bad mood. Then I asked him to do the dishes and we all got up to clean the house. He griped and complained about that. Then he said something along the lines of " Well I'm the one that works ... " OH HELL FUCKING NO!

He makes me so angry. What right does he have to throw that up in my face? Like because he's the one with the income I'm supposed to do everything else and he's supposed to spend his free time sleeping (which he seems to do an awful lot of) or playing Oblivion. If he had his way he's sleep until it was almost time to go to work and then get up, get ready, and go. I suppouse he doesn't realize that I want more of him then a few passing minutes while he is groggily smoking a ciggarette. And that game? That game distracts him worse. He comes home from work, plops down on it, and then 20 minutes later suddenly remembers me and starts on me. Mostly because he's horny and I've got something he doesn't.

It seems like little by little I'm loosing the level of affection we once shared. He doesn't seem all to interested except to jump on me. You know, when we first started dating he would get up at 10-10:30 every morning so we could talk on and off until he went to work. Am I less important now that he obviously has me?

If this is going to be the case I'll go back to Hell and deal with it. He doesn't realize how close to tears I am.

Sobbing Quietly

James is asleep upstairs. Gabriel terrorizes the kittens. My heart is broken into a thousand peices, scattered across the carpet so that when I try to get up from my place on the floor I feel them stabbing me. Like rubbing salt to an old wound. It hurts. I cry. I sob quietly.

My financial aid didn't go through ... again. I don't understand what I am doing wrong here. Now they are saying its because I didn't answer 1 question correctly. Its due the 6th and I have no way of coming up with 800 plus money for books. I'm trembling with pain. I am useless. I am worth nothing.

Publix has already filled the position. I have no job. No college education. I am crying my eyes out and no one is awake to know that I'm in pain

Getting Harder to Breathe

Have you ever been in love?
You could touch the moonlight.
When your hearts shooting starts.
Holding Heaven in your arms.
Have you ever been in love?

Its hard to think straight sometimes. Its hard to breathe. I'm so suffocated by this feeling of belonging that I tremble waiting for him. I count down the minutes until he comes home to me. I wait patiently. I slept as long as I could tonight. From 8 until about 12. I woke myself up with the knowledge that he wasn't there with his arm drapped over my hip and his body heat warming me. I could not sleep another moment. I woke up took another shower, long and hot to soothe my aching heart and then settled down to wait for him. Its almost 2 now. It won't be much longer. Soon he'll come home and I'll have my mouth pressed to his. Perhaps we'll get frisky before we go to bed ... but it doesn't matter if he fucks me or if he makes love to me. As long as I can feel his heart beating against me ... I don't care.

He's my addiction. I know that he isn't perfect but it doesn't matter. Even his flaws are beautiful. I want to spend the rest of forever with him. I want to grow old with him. I want to birth him children. I want to marry him. I look at this rock on my finger and feel suddenly warm. I notie the small marks on my neck and wish for more. I am his and I am marked as his. I am content at last.

Have you ever said a prayer
and found it had been answered?